There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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