i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
