last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Randomize
