I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
