Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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