My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
