Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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