When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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