was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
