I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
