I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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