I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
