You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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