after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
