i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
