i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
