Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
sarcasm needs its own font
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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