And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
