It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
