I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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