maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
