Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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