some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
