Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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