He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
