how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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