I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You pole danced in your parka.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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