as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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