All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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