He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
