I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
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