I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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