Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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