I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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