is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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