She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
