dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
