sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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