I wanna passion pit in your ass
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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