Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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