I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
