dude i'm inner monologue high
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
