dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
