I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you