i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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