Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious