I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
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