Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
