1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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