The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
