the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
