I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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