I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
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