Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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