if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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