she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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