I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
