Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
