I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
