I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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