Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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