my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
