No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
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