I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
