Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
