I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Everyone says I win the strip club
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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