Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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