Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
