Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
