apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
